Submitted by Laura on Thu, 01/12/2012 - 6:26pm
In an effort to keep my sanity, I am going to vent my frustrations I've had over this past month. Warning: this is just a spill of all my thoughts as I'm typing. What you read may not be pretty! Maybe laying it all out will get me out of this funk!
The week before Christmas, I started getting a cough and more short of breath than usual. This has started to occur during "that time of the month", so I figured when that was over, my cough would subside (as usual). I was really worn out the week before and after Christmas - I didn't shop for gifts, I didn't wrap, I didn't cook, I didn't bake - this is pretty unheard of for me! I didn't go to rehab for a whole week and the next week, I only went once. I felt like my time with Joe was wasted (he took off work the week after Xmas), because all I could do was lie around with cramps, no breath and sulk. So, that didn't help my mood, feeling like I just simply cannot do anything. Since then, I've barely made it to rehab once a week. I've been pretty down on myself for not sticking to my rehab these last 4 weeks.
My cough never really went away and so I've been on Cipro (antibiotic) for 2 weeks, hoping that it would clear my cough and bring me to baseline. Tomorrow is my last pill, and I am feeling a little better, but I have to see if I continue to be better or if my cough returns. I've been extremely exhausted, spending a lot of my time sleeping or lying around. I can't seem to get any energy or motivation. Time just flies during the day - I have all these things I want to do, but as soon as my body is ready to do them, the day is over. Another day lost where I didn't work out, or I didn't eat properly, etc.
Taking care of myself is just getting really exhausting. My chest, lungs, back and neck hurt all the time. It's easier if I just don't move - which obviously isn't good for me). I'm totally stuck in a rut and need something to turn my attitude around quickly. Even though I am feeling like crap, my LAS score went down ever so slightly (indicating I'm 'healthier'), which was just the final straw after the month I've had. My breakdown ensued a few nights ago - crying, screaming, throwing myself into bed, thrashing, then calming down and hugging my dogs. Then, I changed the bed sheets to prove to myself I wasn't useless (took 30 min., but I did it). Sometimes you just need to let it out. I need a punching bag (although I probably don't have the energy or breath to even punch).
I'm lost in a fog right now, just going through the motions. I've managed to cook dinner twice so far this week (plan to again tonight) and do laundry. I really need to put the Xmas decorations away.
It's getting harder to be with people and make plans. I never know if I can commit to leaving the house. I usually can't be ready to go anywhere till 3 pm. My brain has been less able to handle conversation. I don't know what it is - it's hard to explain - but my tolerance for things out of my immediate control - I don't want to hear about (with some exceptions - all health and life issues welcome ). I hate to be in my own little bubble, but there's only certain things that I am capable of letting in right now. I don't want to be that person that thinks, "that's your biggest problem right now? Your TV doesn't work? You are complaining to me about that?", because I truly understand that everyone has something they're dealing with, no matter how big or small, and if it is important to them, it IS important to me. I don't want to lose that quality in me, but I feel like that quality has taken a temporary hiatus for now. Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to stop calling me, stop telling me what is going on in their lives (b/c there's nothing going on here!!), but if I don't absorb all of it, just know it's not you. My ears are open for good gossip and good news though! If anyone is wondering what they can do for me, I would say making plans to come by my house for a couple hours, bring a meal and entertain me would be a nice gesture (call first, but after 12 noon - Tue and Thurs/weekends are generally better days ).
This blog has totally been a rant and a spill out of all my thoughts today. Hopefully by getting it all out there, I can start tomorrow on the up-swing and get out of this rut. I know it is normal to feel this way sometimes, and I think I have allowed myself enough self-pity for now. I'm going to give myself a good slap in the face and move on with my day. At least there is a new Big Bang on tonight - something to look forward to. As a final note, I love all of my friends and family and will always care about what is going on in your lives - I love to care - please don't take this post as a reason not to call me or visit me. Sometimes you just have bad days, ya know?