Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A Bag Of Mixed Emotions

Submitted by Laura on Sun, 10/16/2011 - 2:16am

Okay, so I've been REALLY good about not thinking about the actual transplant and not being too anxious about when they're going to call....mainly for one reason.  The doctor said that, generally, I should anticipate a call once my LAS (Lung Allocation Score) reaches 40 or higher.  The LAS is a measure of how sick you are - the higher the number on a scale of 1-100, the sicker you are, meaning you're closer to transplant.
Well, October 10, 2011 is officially the day my LAS score reached 40.  As soon as I read the letter from the procurement nurse, something in my brain switched and I just got really scared, anxious, depressed, excited, sad, relieved and numb all at the same time.  This is making the actual transplant very real for me, whereas before, it was something in the near future.
Just in the past few days, I have found myself thinking about it a LOT more than I have before.  Today, we went up to Milwaukee for a benefit and I thought, "What if Loyola calls right now? Can I make it from Milwaukee to Maywood? Should I have gone on hold from the transplant list for the 4 hours I will be away from home?"  I know I will be anxious every time I leave the house and I am contemplating bringing my 'transplant luggage' with me whenever I leave.   At the gym, I left my phone in the locker room, but now, I will definitely take it with me.

I think I will be fine....the next few days I think I will be a rollercoaster of emotions, just like I was when I first got on the list.  All these 'What Ifs' just don't work in a world where I like control!  I know eventually my stress will ease out, but I wanted to document and share with you all this milestone in my journey.  The day the threat of transplant surgery became REAL.

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