Submitted by Laura on Tue, 04/24/2012 - 4:49pm
When will this month finally be over? Not quick enough for me! Joe will return home from the Philippines and I will go back active on the transplant list and continue my wait for new lungs. The seriousness of lung transplant surgery has hit me a little hard this month. Before, I didn't really think much about the surgery, recovery, and long term outcomes of the surgery - I focused more on feeling better and doing things I want to do as a result of the successful surgery. This month, thoughts about the long term outcomes of a not-so-successful surgery have been weighing on my mind. I'm scared. As time goes by, it's becoming more REAL. I will be happy when Joe is home, because I don't think about the surgery so much when he's around.
I haven't felt very good these past two weeks, either, which forces me to think more about being a sick person and the sicker I get, the closer the surgery is - making it more REAL. Dr. Love said, "if you walk into the surgery, you will walk out of it." It's the journey after the surgery that I have stuck in my mind....will it be successful, how much longer will I live, will I have rejection, what is rejection like, will we be able to buy a dream home, will we have children, is it fair to have children....at some point I just have to STOP myself from thinking because it's a never-ending spiral of what-ifs.
I just pray that when it is my turn, the lungs are a "perfect fit". It's a lot to ask, I know. All I can do now is continue to work 24/7 on staying as strong as possible. Rehab, treatments, eating, sleeping - that is everyday in a nutshell. All I can do beforehand is get my body to the highest level of health to increase my chances at a speedy recovery.
Thanks to everyone who has cooked for me, walked my dogs, and called/visited while Joe is away. I appreciate you all very much.