Useless

Submitted by Laura on Tue, 11/15/2011 - 5:02pm

I will open this entry by saying that I understand it's my job now to take care of myself and stay as strong as possible before transplant.  Just because I understand that, doesn't mean my mind is fully accepting.  The interesting thing about spending so much time taking care of myself, is that I start to feel very useless outside of the little "me" bubble.  I keep searching my mind for meaningful things I can do during my 'spare time', from my home, that would help the community.  I keep coming up empty, and it's frustrating!  One of the most frustrating things is I never know how I will feel physically day to day, so to commit to deadlines, going places, etc. for charity work is out of the question at this time.

When I don't feel my capacity is fully utilized, I tend to get crabby because I just feel stuck in a rut.  When you go from working 40+ hours a week and having a focus, to pretty much hanging around home, a project is needed!  Things I have considered are looking into schooling options for social work/patient advocacy, starting an organization to help fill a missing gap in CF care, etc.  Right now, though, my mind is just a blur. I don't ever have a solid space of time to sit and research/read what my next steps could be before I'm off running to the next therapy.

After transplant, the world will be my oyster....now I have to figure out what my pearl will be. I hope I find my calling and I hope it involves paying it forward.